I have been in a haze of anxiety for the past couple of weeks. Amma is in India and is in the process of selling the home that I grew up in. It has been a lot of work for her and she had a bout of sickness last week too, which has made her quite weak. Amma is staying with our extended family there, and I know that she is extremely well taken care of. Still, there is that anxiety about her being sick (even if it seems to be temporary), her having to deal with a lot of stuff on her own, and with my being so far away and not being able to help.
I have told you before that I have the craziest dreams when I am anxious. I woke up this morning with two incoherent crazy dreams (you can imagine the level of anxiety then!). In one dream, I had misplaced my fluorescent pink handbag (really, who carries such a thing around and maybe it’s better off lost), and spent hours wandering around retracing my steps looking for it. In another dream, a lab technician informed me that my blood test results came back bad (middle age dreams, what can I say!). She went on to say that she had some ideas on what it might be (nothing good), and asked whether I wanted to do follow-up testing (well, duh, of course, I want to, so hurry up with that testing!!). Needless to say, I was thrilled when my alarm went off at 5:30 am. Little A woke up a couple of hours later still dreaming of chocolate (that’s the good life, I say). When I shared my sorry a$$ dream stories with her, little A (my tiny Buddha) astutely remarked, “Mommy, what did you go to sleep thinking about? Were you worrying about Paati?” V. perceptive, that one, I say.
Looks like things are starting to resolve with the property sale (knock on wood!) and Amma’s health is improving, although slowly, for which I am infinitely grateful. Now, if I can only stop the crazy dreaming in Technicolor!!